Antidote.

To those who don’t know me, you look at me and I look at you. You smile first, or I do and we end up smiling together. Maybe covering our eyes with our eyelids, looking down. It’s appearances that make your first impression and some would say first impressions never matter, but they do.

I think all human beings like to think that we are all good. That wars and shootings and killings are all part of a bad dream, far, far away from our beautiful, calm life, filled with silent sunny summer mornings , cups of good coffee, good jokes and fancy glasses of wine drunk in the evenings to seize the amount of good days and moments we acquire.

‘Nice to meet you..‘ I’d say

How easy it is to just assume every beautiful person is beautiful inside. How easy it is just to smile at their small talk and carry on believing that surviving in the middle of the human jungle is one of the most easier things to do. How easy is it to shake hands and make a quick eye contact, possibly wearing a small smile to show you’re not judgemental at their appearance, speech, everything that gathers your image of them.

‘we’re all human, my darling..’

Just to show you’re not judgemental. If you are curious , you would judge them. And if you try harder, you would build a small physical or personality related portrait of them just to make them look or seem better to you. You think your opinion is the only one that matters and you feed yourself with thoughts about the outer world. But you never see yourself.

‘Well , I do’

I am that kind of person that would turn the problems on all sides just to find a solution  and when eventually I would, I’d love taking pride in it. Especially when it would be about my life or about a way of helping others. So , I’m the helpful girl, always there to throw a hand at you when you feel like drowning. I would be able to understand mistakes and try to help you get over them. I would be able to throw a smile at you when you feel that no matter how much empowering therapy you are giving yourself, things don’t seem to get any easier. And even though I love helping others, I am too harsh on myself. As I said so many times, there is one person on this world who really understands me and I do give them quite a hard time. And with all that, they still love me unconditionally.

I wish I could just close my eyes and stop judging myself so many times. I wish I could just be able to accept my flaws and stop expecting so much from myself. I wish I’d understand I am human and humans do make mistakes. That is what makes us human after all..

Am I repeating myself? Probably. I wish sometimes I’d silence my inner self and see myself through the eyes of the people that love me.

‘See.. you’re not that bad after all..’

 

 

 

Advertisements

Still adapting, perhaps

 

I got used to living in a different world than the one I grew up in very short time. First time I stepped into another country, everything scared me, but still I didn’t lack confidence. I had the feeling that I can do anything; at the end of the day nobody knew who I was or that the plane that just landed has brought me another chance to life, I was about to start a completely different life and the quality of it all depended on me. After all, I did have the courage to shut down everything and step out of my comfort zone.

The language was not a big problem, as a matter of fact, some people have told me that I sound American and I was quite proud of it. My new job seemed nice although tiring and did not compare to the one I used to do at home. But I only had one purpose, and that was to put my life on track again, carrying on being open-minded towards anything I saw or came to know.

This way, in no time, I was part of it. Part of the multi-cultural island that received me and Mr. Prince into it, prejudices applied and all. I even forgot what my life was , how I started my days and what I used to do to keep myself content. It’s like I have moved to another planet and changed all my habits, forgot most of the people that I used to call ‘friends’ and starting , on a slow-motion pace, to make another ones. I am not very successful.

Friends are hard to make. Acquaintances – hard to entertain. There are those people who think they’re friends with you and those people who do not need reassurance that they’re always going to have a place in your heart or schedule or life but they know so. And they’re there for you as well, no matter what.

Friends are those people that finish each others’ sentences, that mean to do things for you because they want to do it, not because they have to do it. Friends are those people whose minds’ are connecting with yours and that make you forget the clock is ticking when you’re spending time together.

I have not got many friends. The very few have got a very special place in my heart. And sometimes, I wish I’d have someone to come shopping with me, someone who’d understand why I have to take three dresses, different sizes when I go o try them on, even if I know what size I wear. But I haven’t yet. Maybe because I am living in my own little shell and don’t let anybody in that easily. Maybe because I don’t trust people that much. Maybe because I haven’t met any beautiful minds yet…

I am working on being my own best friend for the moment, and I think in order to love the others’ I’ll have to start loving myself more. In a non-narcissistic way, of course. And eventually, the people meant to be next to me are going to come and stay there without me asking..

Letter to my future self. Scrisoare catre mine insami.

 

~ english ~

Hello again.

 

I tried to write onto another website, but the name I gave it did not represent me and I’m returning, humble, to my old confident , this website, whose only reader might only be me from time to time and whose posts’ surprise me, like I’m discovering a new me, a new author. As a matter of fact though, that ‘new me’ is actually the ‘old me’ if that makes any sense, as I have forgotten how strong I felt once.

So here I am, again, returning to familiar land, typing meticulously on a new keyboard. Writing to the person I’ll be over the years, from my new world.

Just now, I’ve opened the window  to get some fresh air into my kitchen , after I’ve cooked some salmon and rice. And I breathed in.  January 2016’s humid but warm air. And while breathing and enjoying outside’s fresh air and watching people on the street headed quietly to their various destinations , I’ve remembered. I remembered the place that used to provide me strength once upon a time and the place I have to visit in order to write down some words about my feelings these days.

Concerned in finding the password to access  my little ‘temple’, and managing eventually to get in, I’ve lost myself in reading previous thoughts and posts. Previous years’ resolutions. And I feel guilty  I managed to address myself to my blind , deaf and mute confident only at the end of the years.Maybe also in the middle of summer, when Nature is in a complete and endless trial of convincing us , humans, that no matter how many worries or troubles we have , there is no reason why we shouldn’t stop, breath the fresh air , watch people’s beautiful and unique faces, touch the leafs, the pebbles or the ground.

Sometimes, in this busy life I’ve managed to live in and in those moments when I’m completely confident that whatever dreams I may have lost and refound are going to become true, I remember little things of my past.

For example, how during one cold winter back home the water pipes were frozen in my house and me and my dad had to go together to a place where we could get water in bottles in order to bring it home and use it. And I recall this evening, it was so cold, I was sitting in the front seat of the car while my dad was getting the bottles filled up. I just gotten into the car because if I would’ve spent some more minutes in the cold my hands would’ve froze for good. Cold and dark, that evening. But I could see from inside the car how the street was illuminated and the white, perfect snow was sparkling. It was as beautiful as a fairy tale. And that beauty gave me strength for keeping on dreaming and believing  that one day I’ll be together with the person I loved so much. That was my dream back then, I thought of nothing more than that. Maybe there was also a song that inspired me to keep on dreaming and I think if I try a bit harder I might even remember the name of the song. And here I am. Here WE ARE. My dream back then became reality these days and sometimes I forget that was the only thing  I wanted more than anything back then.

This is how life gets past us , while we’re so busy wishing  for other things. And when we finally get those things, when finally dreams become reality, we want more and more; transforming our life in an endless marathon towards unknown destinations. Everything happens for a reason, my darling, you know that? And if things aren’t meant for us, aren’t meant to belong to us , they’re not going to happen. I keep on reading previous words and posts written in here and I ask myself :

‘Have you ever imagined that you’re going to be where you are now?’

‘Maybe I’ve dreamed of having the things I have today and live life the way I do now , but when I finally got to it I haven’t appreciated them as much as should have..’

Honesty. And sorrow.

I wish I could go one more time with my dad to get water and spend minutes in the cold car , watching the beautiful snow. I wish I could still spend half an hour in the cold rooms , waiting for the fireplace to heat up the house. I wish I could still be able to pet my cat while sun rays would lit up the whole courtyard.  I wish I could..

‘Stop! You see? you’re still living in the past!..’

‘Yes but I miss these things, I miss..’

‘..Well you have to look up to your future! look up and plan your way , remember you’re the only one who can make a difference in what is meant to happen in your life . Remember the actions of today reflect the reality of tomorrow! ‘

‘But what about today ?’ 

The years are going to disappear. There’ll be days, like these days, when I find myself in the middle of nice people , people that I would never dream of meeting and living my life in a way I could never imagine I would. We can never tell what things are going to be like. And still, these days, weeks and years are going to get past us and I realise I am 22 years old now and in the next minute I am about to turn 24. But you see, my darling, everything happens just once and won’t give another chance. If you don’t want to breath in the fresh English wintery air now because you don’t want to get out of bed as you’re watching some movie, well that moment is gone and it’s never going to come back. The light outside will transform into darkness and the day it’s going to be finished as quickly as a blink of an eye.

Time flies and it only leaves you with words; perhaps you’re the only one reading them.

The truth is you have to be happy with the way you live, you have to appreciate what you have, give yourself a chance to redeem the bad feelings you have passed on to people and the moments you upset anyone but also appreciate the good deeds you’ve made. You have to live happily now and really make the best out of your present so that you’ll gladly read ,one day,  your own confession about what has happened in your mind and soul in the years that have past.

What truly matters is for you to be happy and grateful for everything in your life NOW instead of crying after long lost memories and regret that you haven’t done things properly when you had the chance…instead of wishing things that you don’t need but give you the feeling that they’d bring happiness.

 

~romanian~

Bun gasit.

Am avut o tentativa de a scrie intr-o alta pagina, intr-un alt website dar numele pe care i l-am dat nu se potrivea cu mine insami si ma intorc, spasita, catre vechiul meu confident, acest website pe care il citesc doar eu, cand si cand si ma mir de cuvintele asternute, ca si cand as citi si as descoperi o noua eu. De fapt, acea ‘noua’ eu sunt de fapt, vechea ‘eu’, daca are vreun sens ce spun, intrucat am uitat intr-un fel cat de puternica ma simteam la un moment dat.

Si iata-ma din nou, aici, ma intorc pe meleaguri familiare, apasand meticulos pe taste straine. Scriind si adresandu-ma mie insami peste ani, din noua mea lume.

Am deschis geamul pentru a aerisi bucataria, dupa ce am gatit niste somon  la cuptor si orez cu legume. Si am inspirat. Aerul cald si totusi umed, de Ianuarie 2016. Si imbatandu-ma cu mirosul curat , privind oamenii mergand linistiti catre destinatiile lor, mi-am adus aminte. Mi-am amintit locul de unde imi luam puterea odinioara, si locul pe care trebuie neaparat sa-l accesez pentru a asterne pe hartia virtuala cateva cuvinte despre starea mea de moment. Preocupata  asadar in a-mi aminti parola acestui mic templu al meu, acest blog, si in final reusind, m-am cufundat in a citi ganduri vechi. Rezolutii ale anilor care au trecut. Si ma simt intr-un fel vinovata pentru ca am reusit sa ma adresez confidentului meu mut, orb si surd doar la sfarsit de an. Poate si in mijlocul verii, perioada cea mai frumoasa a anului cand realizez ca viata e , intr-adevar mirifica si Natura e mereu intr-o incercare de a ne convinge ca oricat de multe necazuri am avea, nu exista motiv pentru a nu te opri, respira aerul curat, privi fetele oamenilor-atat de unici- ; a atinge pietrele, frunzele, pamantul.

Cateodata, in viata aglomerata pe care am ajuns sa o traiesc, si in acele momente cand sunt complet increzatoare ca toate visele mele , abandonate si reluate, se vor implini, imi amintesc farame din anii trecuti.

Cum intr-o iarna am ramas fara apa in casa si am luat masina cu tata pana ‘in deal’ unde era o pompa cu apa , pentru a aduce bidoane acasa. Imi amintesc cum stateam pe scaunul din fata, intuneric afara insa lumina stalpului de pe drum oglindea zapada perfecta, alba. Si era atat de frig, insa eu eram increzatoare ca tot ce visez , voi reusi a indeplini odata. Poate era o melodia care ma inspira pe moment si cred ca daca stau sa ma gandesc, asa cu ochii deschisi si cu degetele alergand pe taste , sorbind din cafeaua amara , imi voi aminti si titlul melodiei. Si imi doream sa il am pe scumpul meu langa mine, dar posibilitatile erau altfel.. Insa in seara aceea am avut speranta ca vom fi impreuna. Ca vom locui impreuna si ne vom bucura de fiecare clipa. Si..iata-ma. Iata-NE. Cum am reusit in a indeplini acest vis si cum , cateodata , trec cu vederea ca acest lucru reprezenta candva singurul lucru pe care-l visam.

Uite cum viata trece pe langa noi, timp in care noi ne dorim alte si alte lucruri. Iar atunci cand in final le primim, vrem alte si alte lucruri, transformand viata asta intr-o goana imposibila catre destinatii necunoscute. Nimic nu se intampla la intamplare. Si oricat de multe ne-am dori, daca nu sunt destinate, date de Dumnezeu, nu se vor indeplini niciodata.

Ma uit in urma, citesc postari anterioare si ma intreb:

‘Ti-ai imaginat vreodata ca vei fi aici ? ‘ 

‘Nu.. poate candva visam sa am parte de ceea ce am azi,  dar cand au venit in cele din urma nu le-am mai daruit aceeasi apreciere.’

Sinceritate. Si parere de rau.

Imi doresc sa merg din nou cu tata sa luam apa , imi doresc sa stam in frig acea jumatate de ora pana cand focul se va aprinde in casa. Inca imi doresc sa-mi mangai pisica, in timp ce razele soarelui se reflectau in curte. Imi doresc sa..

‘Vezi ? nu mai trai in trecut!’

‘Dar vezi tu, mi-e dor..’

‘..Traieste in viitor! priveste departe si planuieste-ti drumul, aminteste-ti ca tu esti singura care poate face ceva in privinta viitorului tau! Ceea ce faci azi, reflecta actiunile de maine, nu uita!’

‘Pai si astazi ? cu Astazi cum ramane ?’…

Vor trece ani. Si alti ani. Zile cand ma regasesc in mijlocul unor oameni dragi pe care nu mi-am imaginat ca ii voi cunoaste vreodata. Zile cand ma trezesc ca realizez cum trec anii, azi am 22 de ani si maine deja sunt pe calea de a implini 24. Dar vezi tu, draga mea, totul e scris si totul se intampla la timpul lui.  Daca nu ai timp sa respiri aerul curat de afara in dimineata asta, pe motiv ca-ti place mai mult sa stai in pat, obosindu-ti ochii la vreun film, aminteste-ti ca in cateva ore se face tarziu, se intuneca. Si momentul in care tu scoti capul pe fereastra, sa inspiri aerul caldut de iarna englezeasca,sa zambesti recunoscatoare ca esti bine, ca mergi mai departe cu orice s-ar intampla, se duce. Iar zilele trec, lasandu-ti in urma doar cuvinte. Pe care poate nimeni nu stie ca le scrii, decat tu insati.

Insa adevarul e ca doar asta conteaza, draga mea. Ca tu sa fii multumita de ceea ce traiesti, ca tu sa fii capabila sa indrepti greselile pe care le-ai facut si starile pe care le-ai transmis din incapatanare, insa in acelasi timp sa apreciezi cu adevarat si faptele bune pe care le-ai facut. Ca tu sa te porti si sa faci lucrurile bune astazi pentru a privi cu drag si pentru a fi multumita cu tine insati, atunci cand, vreodata ai sa recitesti ale tale ganduri. Ca tu sa fii constienta de viata frumoasa pe care esti norocoasa sa o traiesti si sa fii recunoscatoare , fara a-ti dori in van lucruri de care nu ai nevoie sau a plange dupa zilele din trecut…

The heart wants what it wants..but it won’t tell me..

tumblr_static_img_4470_-_header-tumblr

To everyone who has everything sorted in their lives.. I envy you.

If you look on the internet for an advice, what to do to get what you most desire and whatnot, which is the most likely to be done these days where all answers are seeked  online, you’ll find plenty of peoples’ encouragements or simply pictures with complete steps towards achieving a certain goal.

That is why when you are starting a phrase on the search box : “how to..” you’ll find all the steps you need to get through to get what you want most.

The most common I’ve seen :

“Make a plan, stick to it every single day until you achieve it! ”

or

” Make a plan, see through it!”

Oh well , we’ve got that sorted, haven’t we? Should be simple now. So they say,

But what if I do not know what I want to do most in this life? What if, even if I’m perfectly conscious that I haven’t got a second chance to these days and I should do the best out of them, I have no clue of what I want to achieve on a long term evolution.

Of course, I do like doing certain things but my opinion changes on a daily basis and I so often find myself in a position that makes me feel ashamed. I have no self control, I cannot decide whether I want to stay in a certain place, settle and maybe getting better at that or to evolve, to move further to where my clumsy steps take me.

I was taking once a survey and found a question, whether I do or do not like changes.

In my life? No, most definitely not. I sometimes cannot even go to a shop by myself. Not on my normal days. And it takes me ages to fit in the environment. And I know that makes me weak when I’m normally boosting of confidence but this is because I’m talking about me. When it’s about someone else’s trouble in finding self confidence, I’m the guru. I’m the best in giving advices I always forget when it comes to me. Not because they’re not good enough to be applied in my case  but because I find myself on the “inside” of the issue and not outside where I usually am when I allow myself to comment and advise on  others. I wish I’d be able to look from the outside. I wish I’d have double personality. I wish I’d be able to fake so many feelings. I wish I’d be made of steel and do everything to achieve my goals.

But I do not know my goals. What I want.. it comes from short-lengthened memories, black&white memories out of my childhood, out of the days I wanted so much so many things and wasn’t even able to fight for them. And now that I can, why don’t I have the same hope, why don’t I want them as much as I did before ? Why can’t my heart settle on a single plan leading to something I’ve always wanted and I would not have  realized its importance until I would have get it ?

Life’s fragrance

Discovering the beauty of an English world, I found myself in the middle of summer. Able to stay on the beach and to feel the nice smell of the salty water ,mingling with my own fragrance, proudly achieved a few days ago.

I love what my life has become and even if sometimes I think that my goals aren’t what as big as I want them to be , I might be able to fulfill one or two.

I have forgotten to put my thoughts on this white virtual page and I do regret I haven’t done it for so long, I have denied myself the pleasure of encouraging myself with simple plain words..

I promise I’ll stick to my own promise of describing at least once a month what I’m experiencing on new land..

Calea catre fericire. Inutila de urmat ?!

Mi-am spus mereu ca vreau sa stau in Anglia.

Sa ma mut, de fapt, pentru ca acolo unde m-am nascut e un loc scump si luxos chiar daca nu ma refer la lucrurile materiale, ci la ceea ce au insemnat locurile natale pentru mine. Chiar imi aduc aminte de postarile anterioare, chiar de pe blogul asta, si mai exact una in care imi doream sa ajung intr-o alta tara, sa lucrez aici, sa invat limbi si culturi noi, sa m-atasez de oameni, sa-mi dezvolt latura multi-culturala, cum s-ar spune si sa ajunga sa-mi placa.

Si-mi place, o spun cu mana pe inima!

dsc02251a

Arhitectura cladirilor, accentul britanic, ploaia interminabila (da, e superba!), caracterul oamenilor..o! si cate povesti nu vor mai fi de spus, de fotografiat, de impartit cu altii.

De la inceputul anului si pana in prezent, desi am pasit sfioasa, am avut puterea sa ma adun, si alaturi de cel scump si nepretuit sot si iubit am pasit intr-o alta lume, numai pentru noi. Eforturi, au fost. Si vor mai fi, presimt. Dar ..se simte bine.

Imi promit, mie insami, sa gasesc timp mereu pentru a ma desfata cu frumusetile pe care aceasta tara le are de aratat. Imi promit sa nu ma las dusa de val si sa fac aici ceea ce mi-am propus de cand imi doream sa ajung aici. Multe fotografii, vizuale si poate si din alea pe care le pot asterne pe hartie.

Ce-am pierdut?

Am pierdut ceva?

De cand am inceput sa lucrez, dand la o parte copilaria si tot ceea ce includea doar sa visez, fara sa fac ceva pentru a-mi indeplini visele, am avut impresia ( si inca o am) ca anii au trecut mult mai repede, timpul s-a scurs mult mai rapid decat o facea candva iar eu ma trezeam ca nu stiu incotro sa o apuc, nu stiam daca ceea ce prezentul a insemnat pentru mine trebuie pretuit ca atare iar visele sa fie puse on hold, nu stiam ca ceea ce azi poate sa insemne pentru mine realitatea, ceea ce sunt, maine s-ar putea ca totul sa fie exact pe dos. Si nu ma refer aici la o intorsatura urata ci la faptul ca uneori, viata are grija, sa ne dea ceva nemapoimenit in continuare, pentru a nu ne plictisi. Ca intr-un film, suspansul e evident in fiecare zi in care pasim increzatori si din care ne descaltam seara pentru a urca in pat, la culcare.

Aveam impresia cumva, ca trebuie sa ma educ in ceea ce privesc lucrurile traite. Ca trebuie sa te bucuri de prezent, pentru ca e ceva ce nu se mai intoarce si ca viitorul, cu visele pe care le faurim si la care visam cand stam sa admiram natura, intr-o frumoasa dimineata de iarna ce pare primavara ( acum stiu unde vin pasarile cand la noi e frig- pasarile calatoare vin in Anglia! le aud in fiecare clipa la geam ) va veni in ritmul lui fie ca il asteptam cu nerabdare sau ca suntem nepasatori in ceea ce-l priveste, iar visele pe care le punem cap la cap cu sarguinciozitate nu vor decurge conform planurilor maiestos elaborate in gandurile noastre. Vor fi vise frumoase, care se implinesc sau nu, intr-un fel planuit sau nu.

E cel mai frumos lucru pe care il admir zilelor pe care le avem. Ca niciodata nu stii cum se schimba totul. Nu stii cum sa reactionezi in situatii criza, te inrosesti la fata, te incrunti cand nu merge ceva, insa chiar peste un minut, totul are rezolvare. Si zambesti. Pentru ca greul a trecut.

Un amalgam de incercari, incruntari, zambete tematoare si stres e viata prin care trecem. Pentru ca in ceea ce ni se planuieste , mereu e un aspect frumos care ne schimba sau nu viata, dar ne aduce in orice caz un dram de multumire.

Si cred ca ar fi cam la fel daca am renunta sa ne stresam pentru zilele trecute, prezente sau cele care vin.

Dar recunosc, e o anumita placere sa faci lucrurile cum iti doresti ,  fara ca nimeni sa intervina fara voia ta, chiar daca fiecare infaptuire isi are drumul sau….

path-to-happiness